World
Trump Slaps 25% Tariff on Holy Water, Vows to End “Grace Imbalance” Once and for All
WASHINGTON — The White House announced Tuesday that President Donald Trump will impose a 25% tariff on all imported holy water, escalating his increasingly...
Health
Nation Confused After Learning “Cicada” COVID Variant Does Not, In Fact, Make You Scream
Americans were left disappointed Monday after health officials confirmed that the newly nicknamed “Cicada” COVID variant does not cause sufferers to emerge from the...
Texas
Corpus Christi Officials Deploy Berserker Motorcycle Gangs To Secure South Texas Water Supply, Immediately Lose Track Of Most Of Them
CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — Facing a worsening water crisis and a public increasingly concerned about phrases like “aquifer depletion” and “municipal panic rationing,” Corpus...
Sports
Spurs Legend George Gervin Lowers Thermostat, Goes to War Over “Iceman”
SAN ANTONIO — Declaring “history is not a group project,” San Antonio Spurs legend George Gervin has officially moved to freeze Chicago Bears quarterback...
USA
ICE, TSA Merge, Immediately Lose Everyone in the Same Line
WASHINGTON — The federal government announced this week that Immigration and Customs Enforcement and Transportation Security Administration have officially merged into a single, unified...
Sports
International Olympic Committee Declares War in Battle of the Bulge
LAUSANNE, Switzerland — Declaring it would no longer be “caught flat-footed in the global Battle of the Bulge,” the International Olympic Committee unveiled a...
Business
Sources Confirm Mascot Heaven Now Run by Iron Fists of Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima, Colonel Reb and the Land O’ Lakes Butter Maiden
MASCOT HEAVEN — Residents here say the afterlife for retired brand characters has taken a noticeably darker turn recently since four despicable figures consolidated...
USA
New York City Announces Bold New Budget Strategy: Simply Become Richer
NEW YORK — Confronted with the radical discovery that life in New York costs money, officials of some kind here unveiled a groundbreaking new financial...
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