Health

Nation Confused After Learning “Cicada” COVID Variant Does Not, In Fact, Make You Scream

Americans were left disappointed Monday after health officials confirmed that the newly nicknamed “Cicada” COVID variant does not cause sufferers to emerge from the ground, scream loudly and immediately...

Chicago Man Diagnosed With ADHD Immediately Launches ADHD Coaching Practice

CHICAGO — Within minutes of being diagnosed with ADHD, local resident Tyler Grant announced Wednesday that he is now a professional ADHD coach specializing...

Costco Now Offers Discount IVF Because Apparently Everything Comes in Bulk

In a move that finally answers the question “what can’t you buy at Costco?”, the warehouse retailer has launched a program offering members steep discounts on...

Nation’s Men Achieve Enlightenment After Realizing They Can Simply Become a Different Person’s Face

In what sociologists are calling “the most optimistic delusion since cryptocurrency,” thousands of young men across the internet have embraced a new lifestyle movement...

RFK Jr. Declares War on Holy Trinity of Sugar, Caffeine and Morning Sanity

In what pundits are already calling “The Cold Brew Cold War,” Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has officially taken aim at two of this nation’s...