Health
Nation Confused After Learning “Cicada” COVID Variant Does Not, In Fact, Make You Scream
Americans were left disappointed Monday after health officials confirmed that the newly nicknamed “Cicada” COVID variant does not cause sufferers to emerge from the ground, scream loudly and immediately...
USA
ICE, TSA Merge, Immediately Lose Everyone in the Same Line
WASHINGTON — The federal government announced this week that Immigration and Customs Enforcement and Transportation Security Administration have officially merged into a single, unified...
Business
Sources Confirm Mascot Heaven Now Run by Iron Fists of Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima, Colonel Reb and the Land O’ Lakes Butter Maiden
MASCOT HEAVEN — Residents here say the afterlife for retired brand characters has taken a noticeably darker turn recently since four despicable figures consolidated...
USA
New York City Announces Bold New Budget Strategy: Simply Become Richer
NEW YORK — Confronted with the radical discovery that life in New York costs money, officials of some kind here unveiled a groundbreaking new financial...
USA
Florida Man Arrested After Teaching Raccoons to Steal Amazon Packages
ORLANDO, Florida — Police arrested a Florida man this week after discovering a raccoon-run theft operation that officials describe as “efficient, deeply unsettling and frankly...
Science
World’s Largest Wildlife Crossing Promises Safer Way for Animals to Flee California
AGOURA HILLS, California — After years of construction, delays and escalating costs, officials here announced the near-completion of the world’s largest wildlife crossing this week,...
Politics
Trump Signs Executive Order: Cuban Cigars to Appear in Every U.S. Gas Station by Summer 2026
WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented move hailed by some as “bold” and “smoky,” President Donald Trump has reportedly signed an executive order mandating that...
Business
Brave Worker Asks For Help Managing Workload, Instead Assigned Three More Projects
In a bold act of workplace vulnerability Monday morning, marketing coordinator Daniel Harris reportedly asked his manager for help managing his increasingly impossible workload...
USA
TSA Agents Discover “Thrill of the Hunt” in “Volunteer Security Initiative”
WASHINGTON — Saying the experience has finally allowed them to reconnect with the true spirit of airport security, TSA agents nationwide reported last week...
Politics
Pentagon Announces $3.8 Billion “Lobster Reserves” to Guarantee U.S. Surf-and-Turf Readiness Worldwide
WASHINGTON — In a move officials are calling “strategically delicious,” the Department of War has unveiled a $3.8 billion program to establish forward-deployed lobster...
Sports
Iditarod Remains Only Sport Where the Field of Play Includes “Whatever Wants to Kill You Today”
NOME, Alaska — Officials with the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race confirmed Thursday that the event remains the only organized sport where the official...