Business

Sources Confirm Mascot Heaven Now Run by Iron Fists of Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima, Colonel Reb and the Land O’ Lakes Butter Maiden

MASCOT HEAVEN — Residents here say the afterlife for retired brand characters has taken a noticeably darker turn recently since four despicable figures consolidated power over what insiders describe...

Brave Worker Asks For Help Managing Workload, Instead Assigned Three More Projects

In a bold act of workplace vulnerability Monday morning, marketing coordinator Daniel Harris reportedly asked his manager for help managing his increasingly impossible workload...

SXSW Attendees Spend $2,000 To Quietly Realize Everyone’s Startup Is Just ChatGPT

AUSTIN, Texas — Thousands of tech founders, investors, and exhausted content creators gathered this week at South by Southwest, where many slowly came to...

U.S. Announces Plan to Bring Order to Venezuelan Jungle by Introducing Mining Executives

CARACAS — In a bold new foreign-policy initiative, U.S. officials announced plans this week to stabilize Venezuela’s notoriously lawless southern jungle by introducing what...

China Accidentally Digs Up Entire Fantasy Economy, Promises Not to Turn It Into Giant Golden Dragon (Probably)

BEIJING — In what officials are calling “a moderately shiny Tuesday,” China announced it has uncovered a gold deposit so enormous that economists briefly...