Americans were left disappointed Monday after health officials confirmed that the newly nicknamed “Cicada” COVID variant does not cause sufferers to emerge from the ground, scream loudly and immediately ruin backyard barbecues.
The variant, scientifically known as BA.3.2, has been detected in multiple countries and U.S. states, though experts stress that its symptoms are basically the same as previous COVID strains — fever, cough, fatigue, and sore throat. This revelation has sparked outrage among citizens who were, frankly, hoping for something more “on theme.”
“If you’re going to call it ‘Cicada,’ I expect at least one dramatic molting phase,” said Nebraska resident Kyle Butler, who has been standing in his yard shirtless for three days “just in case.”
According to experts, the “Cicada” nickname comes from the variant’s long period of low visibility before re-emerging — not because it turns your body into a crunchy exoskeleton. Despite having dozens of mutations and the potential to spread efficiently, officials say there’s no evidence it causes more severe illness than earlier variants. This has led to widespread frustration among Americans who feel the virus is “phoning it in creatively.”
“You’re telling me we went through Delta, Omicron and now Cicada — and it’s still just a sore throat?” asked one Twitter user. “At least give me wings or something.”
While actual symptoms remain boringly consistent, a recent unofficial poll found Americans were expecting:
- Loud, rhythmic screaming at sunset
- An uncontrollable urge to cling to tree bark
- The ability to ruin an entire outdoor wedding
- A mysterious 17-year nap excuse for missing work
“Honestly, it would’ve helped with PTO,” said an office worker who requested anonymity. “HR can’t argue with ‘biological emergence cycle.’ ”
In response to growing confusion, health officials issued a statement reminding the public:
- You will not shed your skin
- You will not develop wings
- You should still stay home if sick
They also reiterated that the variant’s symptoms remain typical of recent COVID strains, including cough fatigue and congestion. Epidemiologists emphasized that nicknames like “Cicada” are informal and not meant to reflect symptoms — though they admit this one may have “gotten a little out of hand.”
“We probably should’ve gone with something less… insect-adjacent,” one researcher admitted. “Maybe ‘BA.3.2: Just Another One.’”
At press time, millions of Americans were reportedly Googling “how to molt safely” while calling in sick with what doctors confirmed is, once again, just a regular sore throat. Health officials continue to monitor the situation and strongly advise against burying yourself in the backyard “to speed up the process.”
