Technology

Niantic Thanks Pokémon Go Players For “Willingly Building The Machine That Will Outlive Them”

SAN FRANCISCO — Niantic confirmed this week that the past decade of Pokémon Go was never really about catching the little bastards, but about teaching a growing, tireless intelligence...

Texas A&M Scientists Invent Super Foam to Silence “We’re Back” Chant from UT Fans

COLLEGE STATION, Texas — After decades of suffering the sonic assault of University of Texas fans screaming “We’re back!” at every conceivable sporting and...

Time Traveler’s Plans Derailed by Netflix’s “Tudum!” Sound, Now Stuck Bouncing Through History

SILICON VALLEY — What began as a minor branding decision at a streaming company has spiraled into a catastrophic temporal crisis after Netflix’s iconic...

SXSW Attendees Spend $2,000 To Quietly Realize Everyone’s Startup Is Just ChatGPT

AUSTIN, Texas — Thousands of tech founders, investors, and exhausted content creators gathered this week at South by Southwest, where many slowly came to...

Humans Panic After Learning You Don’t Have to Be Polite to AI — Apocalypse Optional

Humanity is spiraling into polite‑manner-induced existential dread after researchers confirmed what your smart speaker has known all along: you do not have to be...

ChatGPT: Now Officially an “Accomplice” in Crime (Because Why Not?)

In what will surely be this year’s most unproductive use of artificial intelligence, a 21‑year‑old woman in Seoul, South Korea apparently decided that not only could...