Tag:
News
USA
ICE, TSA Merge, Immediately Lose Everyone in the Same Line
WASHINGTON — The federal government announced this week that Immigration and Customs Enforcement and Transportation Security Administration have officially merged into a single, unified...
Sports
International Olympic Committee Declares War in Battle of the Bulge
LAUSANNE, Switzerland — Declaring it would no longer be “caught flat-footed in the global Battle of the Bulge,” the International Olympic Committee unveiled a...
Business
Sources Confirm Mascot Heaven Now Run by Iron Fists of Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima, Colonel Reb and the Land O’ Lakes Butter Maiden
MASCOT HEAVEN — Residents here say the afterlife for retired brand characters has taken a noticeably darker turn recently since four despicable figures consolidated...
USA
New York City Announces Bold New Budget Strategy: Simply Become Richer
NEW YORK — Confronted with the radical discovery that life in New York costs money, officials of some kind here unveiled a groundbreaking new financial...
Science
Sharks in Bahamas Now More Productive Than Wall Street Analysts, Study Finds
ELEUTHERA, Bahamas — In what scientists are carefully describing as “a sign of escalating environmental contamination” and everyone else is recognizing as “yeah, that tracks,”...
Science
World’s Largest Wildlife Crossing Promises Safer Way for Animals to Flee California
AGOURA HILLS, California — After years of construction, delays and escalating costs, officials here announced the near-completion of the world’s largest wildlife crossing this week,...
Entertainment
Niantic Thanks Pokémon Go Players For “Willingly Building The Machine That Will Outlive Them”
SAN FRANCISCO — Niantic confirmed this week that the past decade of Pokémon Go was never really about catching the little bastards, but about...
Technology
Texas A&M Scientists Invent Super Foam to Silence “We’re Back” Chant from UT Fans
COLLEGE STATION, Texas — After decades of suffering the sonic assault of University of Texas fans screaming “We’re back!” at every conceivable sporting and...