WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented move hailed by some as “bold” and “smoky,” President Donald Trump has reportedly signed an executive order mandating that every gas station in the United States stock Cuban cigars by the start of summer 2026.
“Gas station owners have been asking for this for decades,” Trump told an enthusiastic crowd of over 1,000 supporters, waving a gold-plated cigar like a scepter. “We’re bringing luxury to the masses. Why settle for just snacks and slushies when you can have a premium Montecristo? It’s a beautiful thing.”
According to sources close to the president, the order includes a “Make Gas Stations Great Again” initiative, complete with neon signs reading: “Fill ‘er up… and light ‘er up!”
Economists are already speculating about the impact on the American economy.
“We could see a massive spike in impulse purchases,” said Dr. Linda Puffington of the Institute for Economic Frugality. “People go in for gas and a pack of gum, and suddenly they’re investing in a Cuban cigar. It’s actually … revolutionary.”
Critics, however, warn that the executive order may be difficult to implement.
“You can’t just waltz into a Chevron and slap a Cuban cigar on the counter,” said former FDA official Marvin Snow. “There are import laws, tax laws … and what about the people who don’t smoke?”
In response, Trump reportedly added a clause suggesting that “non-smokers will get free commemorative cigar ashtrays … they’re very classy, very classy … the best in the world.”
By summer, Americans may find themselves refueling while surrounded by the aroma of Havana, cigars in hand and Instagram stories ready. Gas station attendants are reportedly already practicing their “cigar presentation smile,” though many are concerned about the increased risk of spontaneous confetti from celebratory cigar lighting.
Stay tuned for our follow-up as the deadline to blaze nears. Trump is already touting the future ambiance: “Gas Station Tobaccos: Collectible Edition — Limited Runs of 50,000 Humidors Nationwide.”
