NEW YORK — Confronted with the radical discovery that life in New York costs money, officials of some kind here unveiled a groundbreaking new financial plan this week: residents will be asked to “just have more money,” according to sources who described the policy as “refreshingly actionable.”
City leaders say the initiative comes as budgets swell while somehow still not covering everything, a fun budgeting technique experts call “creative optimism.”
“Look, the numbers are complicated,” said one official, gesturing at a spreadsheet with something on it. “But if every New Yorker simply earned an additional $80,000 annually, affordability would cease to exist.”
To help residents navigate their finances, the city released a budgeting app that asks a single question: “Why are you still here?”
Users who input their salary are immediately shown a comforting message: “Incorrect. Try again, but wealthier.”
A premium version offers advanced features like:
- Simulating what it would feel like to own property
- Viewing apartments that technically exist but not for you
- A button labeled “inheritance” that does nothing
Beta testers report the app crashes whenever users input childcare costs, which have been described as “spiritually devastating.”
In response, Mayor Zohran Mamdani has proposed two equally popular solutions:
- Tax the wealthy
- Tax everyone else but call it something fun
The plan comes as the city stares down multi-billion-dollar deficits and considers a hefty raise to property taxes, a move described by insiders as “bold” and by homeowners as “I am moving to New Jersey immediately.”
Critics say the city has been spending faster than inflation for years, but officials clarified that inflation is “just a mindset.”
Policy analysts have suggested more traditional approaches, like aligning spending with revenue, preparing for recessions or acknowledging math.
These ideas were quickly dismissed for being “overly negative.”
Instead, the city will continue its proven strategy of balancing budgets using accounting techniques such as:
- Moving money from one year to another and calling it a solution
- Assuming future revenue will “trend upward”
- Pretending billion-dollar gaps are a fun surprise each year, rebranded as “financial cliffhangers.”
New Yorkers expressed cautious optimism about the plan.
“I simply stopped buying food,” said one resident. “Now I can almost afford my rent.”
Another added, “I got a second job, but unfortunately my rent also got a second job.”
Officials emphasized that affordability is a shared responsibility.
“We need everyone to do their part,” a spokesperson said. “Have you considered inventing a startup? Marrying into wealth? Discovering oil?”
At press time, the average New Yorker was reportedly earning $100,000 per year and spending $101,000 on rent alone, achieving what economists call “perfect balance.”
