WASHINGTON — The federal government announced this week that Immigration and Customs Enforcement and Transportation Security Administration have officially merged into a single, unified force — then immediately lost every human being currently inside an airport.
The new agency’s motto, unveiled with confidence and a noticeable lack of irony: “Please step aside.”
Within minutes, the nation’s airports collapsed into a slow-moving purgatory of redirected bodies and abandoned hope. Entire terminals now consist of people who were told to step aside once, then again, then “just one more time,” and have not reentered society since.
“I don’t remember where I was going,” said one man, now living near a charging station, surviving off a single bag of trail mix he’s been told to discard three times but somehow still has. “They said step aside, so I did. That was Tuesday.”
Officials insist nothing is wrong.
“This is actually working better than expected,” a spokesperson said, watching a crowd of passengers get funneled into a Hudson News and quietly accept it as their final destination. “We’ve successfully removed the inefficiencies of travel, such as movement and clarity.”
The merger combines ICE’s proven ability to misplace people indefinitely with TSA’s long-standing commitment to making basic instructions feel like a psychological experiment.
The result is a seamless system where no one knows:
- where they are
- what they’re waiting for
- or whether they’ve technically already been processed, detained or spiritually erased
Passengers report being asked to remove their shoes, laptops, dignity and “anything resembling certainty,” before being told to step aside into a holding area that appears to be everywhere.
“I got flagged for ‘vibes,’ ” one traveler said. “Not bad vibes. Just … vibes. They wrote it down like it meant something.”
In one incident, a woman attempting to fly to Denver was redirected so many times she completed an international arrival, was questioned by ICE, cleared by TSA, flagged again by both and is now listed as “pending” in three separate systems that do not communicate but all agree she shouldn’t go anywhere.
Agents on the ground appear equally lost.
“I used to know if I was confiscating shampoo or ruining someone’s week,” one employee said. “Now I just gesture vaguely and let the system take them.”
When asked how travelers can successfully navigate the new process, officials provided a simple, reassuring answer:
“Compliance.”
Early reports show 100% compliance with stepping aside, and 0% success in reaching a gate.
At press time, the agency announced Phase Two of the rollout, which will introduce a bold new directive: “Actually … stay right there.”
