In what pundits are already calling “The Cold Brew Cold War,” Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has officially taken aim at two of this nation’s greatest institutions: massive iced coffees with enough sugar to power a small nation and Dunkin’ Donuts. His charge? That their drinks might somehow be less safe than pretty much everything else.
At a rally in Austin, high on kale smoothies, glistening from 1,200-pound leg press exertion and judging every snack table donut within a five‑mile radius, Kennedy reportedly demanded that Dunkin’ and its evil cousin Starbucks produce safety data proving that 115 grams of sugar is safe for a teenager. He paused only to ask if that data could also come with a puppy and maybe a unicorn for good measure.
Unsurprisingly, Massachusetts reacted with all the restraint of someone whose third language is Dunkin’ order customization. Gov. Maura Healey responded with a “Come and Take It” flag … featuring a Dunkin’ iced coffee instead of a cannon. Next up: Tea Party reenactments where people throw packets of Splenda into the Charles River.
In Boston bars, locals have replaced “Free Bird” on jukeboxes with chants of “Donut Tread on Me.” Baristas are now giving out free espresso shots to anyone who can recite the Constitution and the names of Dunkin’ menu items in alphabetical order.
One loyal customer was overheard saying, “Do you think the Founding Fathers drank their tea with 115 grams of sugar? No way! That’s why we threw it into the sea and started Dunkin’!”
